The Story of a Bipolar Bear.

Posts tagged bp

The Unquiet mind(Part 1)

*spoiler alert* 

It’s an autobiography so I don’t know whether this is going to be a spoiler or whatever.

A lot of folks told me about this book and I picked it up last year and never got to read it in dept.

I decided to divide it just for the hell of it, because I can’t seem to finish this darn book. It is way too emotional for me. Almost everything she reads is “me” in a way.

I just finished the first part of it, so here it goes.

The reason why I stopped reading the book in the first place was because of the prologue. The intensity she puts at the beginning withdrew me from reading any further.

“I am tired of hiding, tired of misspenting and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide”

She discusses her reasons for her opening about her own mental illness to reduce the stigma that surrounds this illness that has a biological origin, but is only felt.

The first chapter begins with a scene from her childhood where a pilot dies in a plane crash saving the lives of the children in the playground, where she was playing at. 

She grew up in a Air force life, where she would move place to place. 

She mentioned her sister’s temperament as an younger sister would see her elder sister as. Not only did Jamison described her sister as a troubled teen, but also a connection that her sister had darker thoughts than she ever had.

We are also introduced to her father in further details, who is a meteorologist/Air Force officer.

We are given such a meticulous of her father that gives us a hint of he might have manic depression.

She also introduces her mother, a caring woman who holds the family together and doesn’t know the horrors of manic depression.

She continues about her love for science and her parents encouragement to pursue a career in science. She volunteers at the Army Air Force hospital.

The part that captured me the most was  her first visit to a psychiatric ward at age fifteen.

She talks about a woman with red hair at the psychiatric ward who tells her why she is staying at the ward.

The woman mentioned a pinball machine implanted by her parents, where each color of the ball tells her to do something.

“Some part of me instinctively reached out and in an odd way understood this pain, never imagined that I would someday look in the mirror and see the sadness and insanity in my own eyes”

Her vivid description of her first mania episode leave me in a shivering state, where all I could see the blur of my tears.

She continues how no one, not even her, could see that there was something wrong with her behavior. 

Her experience in college was rather similar to mine, in a way intrigued with my own thoughts.  

The scene about her detailed description of a Rorschach cards that her professor read to the class was not only capturing to me as an amateur artist, but also gave me a feeling that people with bipolar disorder do indeed see things very differently.

She studied abroad in Scotland and that was the set point on where she wanted to get into research instead of attending medical school.

The part that really sparked me was when she was given an assignment to do a personality test for her PhD and she did  personality test on her husband, an artist.

She was shocked when her professor came to a conclusion that her husband might be a sociopath.

She started doing clinical psychology, because she believed it was rather important to see a patient from face to face instead of reading about diagnoses. 

At the end of Part I, she presents her thesis on front of a panel and the paragraph ends with her becoming an assistant professor in Department of Psychiatry at UCLA.

“…within three months of becoming a professor, I was ravingly psychotic” 

Force field.

At all times, I need to force myself to do things.

I must lock my computer, silent my phone and put in ear plugs to just study.

I love my major, but with a mental illness, there is never no motivation.

Never any motivation to do anything.

I hate waking up.

I hate brushing my teeth.

It’s not because I don’t want to “live.”

I do want to live, but I just don’t understand why I feel this way.

I feel like dying, even though I’m not suicidal.  

Whiney teenager

starfoxy:

The only people who have treated  me like a seriously ill mental patient who has a terrible illness which might kill her at any moment are people who work in the public sector. My doctors, people at the job center, psychiatrists etc.

Since I first started complaing about being depressed (note not feeling depressed - that started 5 years earlier) was when I was 15 and I found myself no longer being able to carry on with my life. Yup I was sat in bed all day, feeling sorry for myself and missing school. To respond to my parents and my teachers I said ’ I can’t help it I’m too depressed’. I didn’t get a sympathetic reaction! I got a ‘You’re not depressed you’re just a whiney teenager’ kind of a reaction. Which I guess could have been good for me in a way.

10 years later, I’m taking Lithium for the first time. Now… there is just something kind of sad about being in a psychiatric hospital and taking Lithium. It feels like a part of myself is being removed. Almost chemically labotomised.

Aside from the fact that the Lithium makes me feel sleepy and weak and ill and too hot…

Bipolar, you have been my friend and my enemy for 15 years. You have pushed me into reaching new heights of stupidity and impulsivity. You’ve taken hold of my life and put it in the spin dryer.

You’re the reason I have my career, you’re the reason I have my sexuality and my creativity. If it wasn’t for you I would be some mousy, jobless graduate who was probably too shy to get a boyfriend. You’re the excitement in my life.

You’ve taken me to euphoria that normal people have to achieve with drugs. You’ve made me so depressed I have a deeper understanding of myself and the world.

Now you’re being taken away from me. It’s time to settle down, stop being stupid, get on with my life.

Bipolar is bigger than me and my personality. It’s so big I don’t know who I am without it.

The people around me can’t percieve what a  big deal it is to try and work out who I am, untangle my brain and my thoughts and sort into two piles what’s me and what’s the bipolar.

It’s more confusing than anything I’ve ever experienced.

I can’t get over how confusing and frightening it is. Unpicking myself. Wondering what will happen to me and who I will be in 6 months.

But my behaviour and worries around this are just coming across to people like self indulgence, self obsession and brattyness. :/

Amazingly written.

<3

Much love from a fellow person with bipolar.

South Asian and Mentally ill.

I only know two to three people in reality who has a mental illness that has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist and have at one point gone to a therapist and taken medication.

My cousin has bipolar disorder, but he self-medicates himself and my uncle, the psychiatrist, diagnosed himself I believe.

Even though they say you can’t diagnose your own family members. Whatever.

I only know one Pakistani guy that is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I dislike him for obvious reasons. 

Muslims and mental illness? I have spoken to Saba Malik, who has an amazing blog on her bipolar disorder.

It’s hard realizing that there are rarely any people in my cultural background that are diagnosed with a mental illness.

Most are self-medicating their depression, are bound by cultural taboo(which I have encountered numerous times), and just the thoughts that you can pray yourself to health while trying to avoid the urge to cut yourself.

I’ve tried helping a few of my friends, especially since they want to know how I’ve “come out” and did get professional help for my illness. 

It’s nice, but honestly, I can’t handle it.

It only brings me down, hearing other people’s stories, and 99% of the time, they just want you to be their own personal “therapist.”

They don’t get the help they need.

They probably won’t, even if you give them the phone to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Sometimes, there is so much you can do.

“But it has a lot of side effects”

I think this is the most likely reply I get from others regarding my RIGHTS to take psychiatry medications.

Firstly, every fucking medication in the fucking world has fucking side effects. 

Take a biochemistry class, and you will see how many side compounds every medication you intake has. Probably hundreds. 

I’m not a pro-advocate for medication and there are plenty of people that don’t take psych medication for a lot of reasons, but I refuse to let people tell me that my medication has more side effects than any other fucking medications in the entire world.

There is no such thing as “safest” medication.

There is no such thing as “healthiest” food.

I know several people that received horrifying side effects due to psych medications.

I also know horrifying side effects people got from consuming aspirin.

When people realize that the outcomes of being stable overweight the fucking side effects of ANY medication, then probably we will be taken serious. 

You give your kid medication for his cold, and probably don’t even realize the  side effects of cold syrup such as liver damage(long time use), hypotension/hypertension, hallucinations, or paranoia. 

There is no such thing as a normal side effect.

Every side effect affects everyone differently.

You need to realize if your child, friend, sister, daughter, son….life is worth more than the side effects.

Everything we consume is not healthy for us, we need to set our priorities right and know which weights more.

We want to get better.

As much as a diabetic person needs his insulin, I need my abilify.

Sincerely,

bipolar bear

The temptations of falling again…

Being stuck in the darkness for so long sort of leaves a prediction that you won’t be in the light for too long.

The minute you feel a bit down and the sudden fears that you’re going down that road again.

The gasp of air you take to know whether you’re still alive or if it’s just a nightmare.

If only it was a nightmare…

Sensitivity and bipolar disorder.

  • I’m very sensitive to noise. Loud voices irritate me. I can’t stand loud noise except at amusement parks.
  • I am sensitive to fights/arguments, which I feel as if my friendship is threaten or something very personal such as comments regarding my eyes or mental illness. I sometimes go to suicidal mode. Once almost stabbed myself in the eye after I got an insult about my eyes. (I have a birth defect in my eyes, which make them slightly droopy)
  • Sensitive to bad grades. I’m an overachiever. Always been. Always pushed myself. I can go through a very depressed mood, which eventually makes me fail my classes. =/
  •  EXTREMELY sensitive to deaths. My mother refuses to tell me about any family deaths. I can’t stand deaths of innocent children. A cousin of mine who was 8 years old died last summer, I got pretty bad =/

Having bipolar disorder makes my sensitivity 100 times worse.

It makes me take very DRASTIC steps, which lead me into more trouble.

Does anyone else experience the same sensitivity?

Amazing reply.

Well, I’m only 19 years old, but I’ve had a pretty eventful life … (I’ve retracted the details from this question as they seemed very persona. In a nut shell this person had a pattern of very self destructive habits, had suffered abuse, suffered from anxiety and mood swings, etc.) … Please help me! Are my symptoms signs of bipolar, anxiety?? Or is it just all in my head?


I’m not so much a fan of this question. Unfortunately, we get it more often than we’d like. In the past I’ve responded with recommending they seek the help of a trained professional, but today I want to tell you WHY I give that response.

The majority of the time, each question involves a description of symptoms very similar to bipolar disorder; frequent mood swings, anxiety, depression, and even somethings that could be considered signs of mania.  But are these symptoms REALLY symptoms of bipolar disorder? I don’t know. Unfortunately I’m only in my second semester of psych classes and far from a trained professional.

There is a key word I also want to point out when I say, “I highly recommend meeting with a trained professional.” The thing is, no one, not even a doctor, can give a diagnosis withoutmeeting with a patient one on one. Part of what goes into a diagnosis it observing a person’s mannerisms, not just hearing about one’s symptoms. A professional will pay attention to what the patient isn’t saying. They will also have a list of questions to go over in order to differentiate what diagnosis to give.

I think our readers sometimes forget that bipolar disorder is not the ONLY psychological disorder out there. There are actually at least a handful of disorders that have similar symptoms to bipolar. Sometimes a person can even be diagnosed with more than one disorder.

I also do understand that maybe readers are just looking for an opinion. I understand that. But even if we say, “Yeah, you’re totally bipolar!” we wouldn’t be able to prescribe you meds or start you on a treatment program. There’d really be no benefit to you to hear what we think about your symptoms. And if turns out that your symptoms are indeed bipolar or some other disorder, you’re are really going to need treatment! This alone is reason enough to seek the advice of a medical professional.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you feel you are experiencing abnormal bouts of depression, mania, anxiety, etc. it’s important to seek proper help immediately. The risks of forgoing treatment can literally be life-threatening. While doing research is important to learn about an illness, getting treatment before it’s too late is even more crucial.

AND REMEMBER

If you are thinking about harming yourself, or know someone who is, we advise you to get help immediately.

You can get help by doing one of the following:

  • Call your doctor.
  • Call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room to get immediate help or ask a friend or family member to help you do these things.
  • Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255); TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) to talk to a trained counselor.

Make sure you or the suicidal person is NEVER left alone.

(Source: askabipolar.com)

04.09.12

It’s been around 2 years since I have been diagnosed with a mental illness(clinical depression)

The further I move, the more I realize the real horrors of being mentally ill.

The days when you feel as if you were never sick in the first place.

The days when you know that you’ll be like this forever.

How well one feels, the disease nevers leave.

The more I see myself progress through this illness, the more I pretend this illness doesn’t exist.

Last Thursday when I came home crying after taking my Physic’s exam, I continued  bullying myself about what happened a few hours ago. Eventually, I yelled at my mom that I wasn’t sick in the first place.

I was never ill.

She told me I was.

It took me a while to get back to reality and see what I was doing for the past few months.

I was doing so well on my medication, I was pretending I never had an illness.

I overlooked at my condition and didn’t realize how bad my stress-level was getting.

How well I come off as a person who isn’t sick, I will be sick.

I will always be sick and I need to remember that.

I need to remember that this illness won’t leave and I need to keep that in account.

I need to keep in mind that I will never be normal and need to stop telling myself that this illness has left.

It never did.

It never will.

sincerely,

bipolarbear

Are you having a bad day?

thestoryofabipolarbear:

Everyone has bad days. Being mentally ill just makes our bad days 10X worse. We end up cutting, suicidal, crying, etc. I do at times have suicidal thoughts(which has become very rare) and have the urge to cut, but I’ve been clean for around 8 months and haven’t attempted suicide for around 14 months. So how do I get through my bad days and still stay positive? 

  1. Learn what is causing your bad mood. School?Take a day off or take a couple of hours to do something that distracts you from the stress. Go to your doctor and get a note to show your professors that you’re in a situation where you need to makeup an exam or if you can hand in your paper late.
  2. Did someone piss you off? Parents? friends? Stranger? Get yourself out of the situation ASAP. Take a long walk and cry. Crying is a stress reliever. That’s how I see it. If it’s cold outside, just sit next to a window and see the beauty of nature. When I’m outside I feel safe. I feel peaceful. I feel very calm. I stay outside till I cool down. [no pun intended =P] 
  3. Did you  wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Take that day to understand why you feel this way. Sometimes there is no reason why you feel depressed or sad, but 95% of the time there is a reason. One of the main reasons, I have a mental illness is due to my sister’s death. I’ve learned visiting her grave has helped me and writing letters to her made me feel better. Also how much I’ve grown up since she died. Also if this happens more often, go to the doctor or therapist or talk to a friend.
  4. Had a fight with your friend? boyfriend/girlfriend? Parents? First thing that will come is anger and rage. You will feel like either hurting them or hurting yourself. First thing, remove yourself out of this situation before you say something you regret. Learn that this feeling is temporary. Try understanding the situation. Sometimes writing down the pros and cons will help. Also, when I have a fight, I always feel it’s their fault. I have lost my senses at times. Figure out what was the reason you guys fought and try clearing your mind and talk about it with someone else. Someone else perspective might help you. My best friend usually helps me through it and isn’t biased. She tells me the truth if I’m wrong or right. 
  5. Feel fat? or having a bad hair day? Realize that the only person that really notices your flaws and your insecurities is yourself. Most of the time, you criticize your appearance so much, you feel as if everyone is noticing them. Honestly, most people don’t notice it. Only idiots who have nothing better to say do that. Don’t be sad. Remember beauty comes from confident. <3
  6. Bad grade? Feel as if you did horrible on your exam? It’s very very hard for someone with a mental illness to do well in school(most of us including myself). How smart we are, we have horrible anxiety, trouble concentrating, and feel as if we’ll never be successful. I remember drinking alcohol for the first time after I took my organic chemistry exam. Felt so sad. I ended up getting a 90 on that exam. Don’t ever underestimate your abilities. I am a hypocrite for saying this, but most of the time, we put ourselves so down, we do stupid stuff. Don’t do weed or alcohol to feel better for a bad grade. Grades are just numbers and letters. Your most important priority is your health. Focus on that and you will see how far you will go.

I can’t think of anymore. I’ll probably edit this later on.

Hope it helps.